On the Verge

On By AnnIn Eldering, Healing, Just for Today, Loss and GriefLeave a comment

Remember what it was like. After a long wait, it finally happened. With guarded optimism, you look forward to the big event. Though you know things can happen, chances are you won’t be in that slim margin. So you dance. You laugh. You hug everyone and share the good news. You imagine life after the event, the realization of a dream come true. The anticipation of anniversaries, holidays, and journeys to wondrous locations, savoring the unfettered excitement as your long-awaited dream discovers the world. Never a dull moment. Of course there will be challenges, but nothing you can’t work through and be stronger for it. You look forward to years of living, loving, and learning together.

Until there are none.

It all comes crashing down. Something was wrong at a routine checkpoint. No  heart beat. Emergency trip to the hospital. Before you have time to process the news, joy morphs into heartbreak. A birth becomes a funeral. It’s over. Dreams die hard.

After November 5, it struck me how similar the election loss was to the loss of an infant. Though it’s been decades ago, I feel the same sad aimless wandering and hopelessness with the election results as with my two sweet babes who died before they had a chance to live. Gone are the anticipated celebrations and birth anniversaries. Gone are all the anticipated years of discovering the world together. Gone are the memories and the history I looked forward to making.

Every morning brings more bad news to my inbox and I move through life on the verge of tears, almost—yet not quite—ready to open the floodgates.

How will I manage the coming hard times? How will I step forward, keep moving, go through the motions, when my heart is sorely wounded? How can I show up for others when I can’t even manage to cheer myself up? Where did all the good in the world, all the anticipated conquests of our precarious future—where did they go?

One of the writers I follow suggested asking two questions every day.

  • What do I still know and believe as truth?
  • Is my heart still beating?

In other words, my values remain and I can embrace them until my dying breath. It reminds me of the weeks and months following the burials of my sweet babes. It’s been forty years. (Almost 43 for the first and 42 for the second.) How did I work through the devastation?

Perhaps some things I did then will help now too. I journaled regularly, poured my soul onto pages in my notebooks. With tiny locks of hair and photos that spoke to me, I made lockets and hung them near my heart. Little by little, I dared to venture forth. I told myself I would make choices and take actions—small at first—but I would do it for the lost children. I would live for those who didn’t have the chance, and I would face each day for the sake of my lost loved ones. I would do my best to make a good life. For them.

I don’t know what lies ahead, though I face it with a certain amount of dread. I can only work with what is here, today, and do my best to make a difference for my family and for as many others as I can.

Do all the good you can,
By all the means you can,
In all the ways you can,
In all the places you can,
At all the times you can,
To all the people you can,
As long as ever you can.
― John Wesley

To the Stars

On By AnnIn Healing, Nature, Prairie talesLeave a comment

I chased sunsets in my youth. Often, my mother would ride along as evening approached, and I drove to the west side of town. A favorite hilltop offered a spectacular unobstructed view of the evening sky. This was back in the day when color photography was off limits to many but I wanted to give it a try. My dad ran a black and white portrait studio in our basement when I was very young, and I’d help him nurse the images to life in the darkroom under our stairs. But color was a different story altogether. It was the next thing, a new generation of photo art, and I took what I had learned from him and launched into color printing in our basement laundry room—new town, new home.

In those days, I could purchase the developing chemicals at our local K-Mart, just up the street. I used a “Unicolor” system, with a plastic drum, that had channels for various sizes of prints, up to an 8 x 10. You were to expose the paper with your enlarger, using color filters for the proper mix of pigmentation, and then fit the paper into the drum, in the dark, and seal it with the press-on lid. From there, you could operate in daylight, pouring each designated chemical through the spout into and out of the drum at the prescribed times. At the end—wallah!—I removed my color prints.

Moonrise
Moonset

With our Kansas state motto, “Ad astra per aspera,” (to the stars through difficulties) it’s a logical pastime to watch the sky. Here in the western plains, often the sky provides the most intriguing scenery to be found. Some sunsets are stunning. And no two are alike. The interplay of light with moisture in the air, as well as dust at times, provide distractions from ordinary difficulties along with the continuously changing scenery. I don’t print color enlargements these days, but try to find images worthy of sharing in a digital format. New generation. Next thing.

I found myself sky-watching again after the election a month ago. The vistas overhead provided consistency through their constant metamorphosis and it was comforting. If not exactly ad astra per aspera, then at least ad caelum.

Just for today: I will help someone celebrate

On By AnnIn Just for TodayLeave a comment

It hasn’t escaped my notice that even during the consternation of the election aftermath, there are people in my life who have reached milestones. In the last week:

My husband and best friend celebrated his birthday.

One young piano technician achieved her registered status by successfully completing the required series of exams.

One immigrant friend was received into full American citizenship after successful completion of the requirements laid out in our constitution.

Our grandson earned his first letter in high school athletics.

And I celebrate with each of these people in achieving part of their hopes and dreams.

Just for today: I will meet with like-minded friends

On By AnnIn Just for TodayLeave a comment

There are ways to connect with friends and help each other. Socialization is a human need, and to stay in isolation will not help in our self-care.

In-person gatherings of grassroots resistance organizations already in place meet regularly in many places. There are also online options through digital communities at least for the present time, where we can share what’s on our hearts and minds, and pray together for guidance and strength.

Many substack writers offer almost daily support and ideas. Some of my favorites are Dan Rather, Heather Cox Richardson, John Pavlovitz, Robert Hubbell, Jess Piper, and Andra Watkins. If you have the means, you can subscribe and support these writers, but quite a few will share thoughts at no cost. While we still can access them, check out what they have to say.

Just for today: I will smile at a stranger.

On By AnnIn Just for TodayLeave a comment

According to the stats I found online, 69% of the people in my county–my neighbors–voted for Donald Trump. That means that it’s likely that 7 of 10 people I meet in the store, on the street, at a school function, or in any public area, voted against democracy for whatever reason. Perhaps it doesn’t matter why at this point.

But, with a nod to Henry David Thoreau, “What I have to do is to see, at any rate, that I do not lend myself to the wrong which I condemn.”

I cannot allow the apparent majority to squelch my spirit.

Three out of those 10 people are as shocked and devastated as I am. Just for today, I will share a smile with any stranger who catches my eye in one tiny act of kindness and fellowship that at least might lift someone’s spirit, and might even embolden another to take the first steps of resistance that we are sure to need.

Just for Today: I will review my values in life

On By AnnIn Just for Today2 Comments

About 30 years ago, through a program that our daughter enrolled in as a troubled teenager, we went through several group counseling sessions as her parents, to come to terms with issues we might be facing that would impact our ability to parent. In one of them, we were required to define what values we held, and to define our life’s purpose.

Here is what I defined then as my values, and reaffirm today.

I value:

  1. Creativity, both Divine and human. This includes Creation itself, Reverence for Life in all forms, the beauty of the natural world, art, music, literature. I recognize that fine art, music and literature are rooted in the mysteries and magic of the natural world.
  2. Harmony, life fitting pleasantly. Aside from the obvious musical connection, this includes cooperation, love, honesty, integrity, generosity, security, commitment, family, church, clubs, service, communication and compromise.
  3. Education, being a student for life. This includes an openness of heart, continual learning, exploration and adventure, which leads to growth in mind and spirit.

These make me the person I aim to be. It’s a continuing process, but I want to hang onto my values, no matter what.

Just for Today: I Will Make Music

On By AnnIn Just for TodayLeave a comment

My teen years were challenging and I often vented my frustrations at home, pounding out my favorite classical compositions on our home piano.

I find playing the keys a valuable release again, now that I’m enrolled in piano lessons as a retiree. It does help. There is music for every mood, and every situation.

Though listening to your favorite play lists helps, I recommend getting involved and making some music of your own.

If you don’t play an instrument, sing along with your preferred artists at the top of your voice. Belt it out. Join friends and sing. Ring some bells. Shake a tambourine.

If we don’t feel it yet, we are likely to soon enough.

Maya Angelou: I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. 

Look her up. We will make music now and forever.

 

I will find something beautiful provided by Nature

On By AnnIn Eldering, Healing, Just for Today, Loss and Grief, Nature, Prairie talesLeave a comment

Last month I attended a few presentations at the Kansas Book Festival in Topeka. The one I remember most was by author and administrator at Haskell Indian Nations University Daniel R. Wildcat. I bought his book, On Indigenuity: Learning the Lessons of Mother Earth, a long essay on what indigenous peoples can teach the rest of us about protecting our miraculous home planet. I have long been concerned about protecting the home we share with all life forms, including people around the world and millions of other species. When greed and lust for power impact the lives of innocents around the world, I am enraged. Destruction of the biosphere that sustains us is now threatened with acceleration. Communities of wild things and minority populations will be the first to feel the impact.

In the early pages of his book, Daniel Wildcat recommended that we should become more familiar with Nature. One thing which compounds and complicates the rampant destruction of our planet is our distance from the elements. We sit inside our comfortable homes in front of screens far too much, and should become more familiar with how the natural world near us is impacted by our decisions and policies. To that end, today I decided I would walk the deer trails on my small patch of virgin tall grass prairie and look for the beauty in Nature. Even if you aren’t close to a 40-acre meadow, you can still take a walk and feel the fresh air and sunshine, listen to whatever birds are in the trees lining the streets, and enjoy the colors of autumn.

These scenes are from my morning walk today.

Sweetgum tree in our front yard, blazing orange.

A fallen Osage orange, with closely fitted puzzle-piece segments. No two alike. Just like people.

One of the two pine trees on our place, laden with pinecones. I keep wondering when the pine bark beetles will invade, but so far we’ve been lucky.

A backlit patch of little bluestem, with fluffs of seeds gleaming like a field of fallen stars.

One of my favorite grasses: Indian grass. The seedheads are still there, though they are far more impressive earlier in the autumn season. This reminds me of Native American writers that I admire, including Daniel Wildcat and Robin Wall Kimmerer. Kimmerer’s book Braiding Sweetgrass changed my life during the Covid shutdown.

Grieve and then Resist

On By AnnIn Activism, elections, Loss and Grief, social justiceLeave a comment

Here we are, one week post-election, one week post D-day (diagnosis day for our flailing democracy.) Most of you share the horror and grief I feel after the count, so I’m “preaching to the choir” so to speak. If you happen to be someone who felt smug and victorious after the tally, I don’t know what to say to you. When my nephew was left homeless after a hurricane ravaged his mountain town (Asheville) 400 miles inland, when cousins in southern California find their neighborhood threatened by raging wildfires, when my Cuban friend’s parents near Havana have been without electricity for weeks, I am dumbstruck to realize so many of my countrymen would vote for an aging insurrectionist, convicted felon, rapist, and conman when one of his first orders of business is to increase the drilling and use of fossil fuels.

Are you one who would object, “But wait, I didn’t vote for him!”  Yet at the same time, you couldn’t bring yourself to vote for the one candidate who had the best chance to defeat the ugliness and destruction that’s bound to happen. Since my first visit abroad in 1977, I have worked to disprove the myth of the “ugly American.” Yet with this election, you have helped engrave it deeper in the history of the world.

Most of my friends, though, feel as I do. We’re compatriots, we’re family in a broad adoptive sense of the word, and I take comfort from our conversations and correspondence. We need each other to talk to, to share our mutual pain, our disbelief, and our fears. It means a lot to me that we have connected, not only during the weeks before November 5, but in the days since. Bolstering friendships has been one positive thing to come from this heartbreak.

A couple of thoughts about the outcome. I find a smidge of agreement on one of the MAGA points, though the target is polar opposite of theirs. We should beware one certain immigrant from South Africa who just bought a president with his billions.

For those who were all about—“Oh, the New World Order! We can’t have that. Biden has those plans in WRITING!”

Welcome to the New World Order. After the election, Elon Musk crowed on his X account, “Novus ordo seclorum” (Latin for New World Order.) And the written plan? Project 2025, which some have claimed was all lies. They aren’t even trying to deny the project now, and it has been in WRITING the whole time.

For the rest of us who are hurting and grieving over what we’ve lost—a country founded on democratic principles—I will say a few words about grief. We’ve probably all faced loss at some earlier point in our lives. As someone intimately familiar with that deepest of human emotions, I will remind you that you are not alone. Please remember that there is no “right” or “wrong” way to grieve. Allow yourself the privilege to mourn as you are called to, and then join the resistance. I caution you not to blame yourself for the election’s outcome, especially if you did everything you could to prevent the disaster. Try to avoid assigning blame to others, also. There is likely a myriad cluster of circumstances that brought this on us and we will all suffer the consequences together. Some groups will feel it first and worst. We need to support those of our friends who are at greatest risk.

From my own history of loss and recovery, I will offer this: it’s easier in small doses. One day at a time. One hour. Maybe even minute by minute. To that end, I plan to start a thread called, “Just for Today,” in which I’ll share ideas for facing the world and resisting the worst, finding resilience and ways to persevere. If you have ideas to share, let me know.

(See Post #1 Just for Today: I will find something beautiful provided by Nature.)

What a Difference a Smile Makes

On By AnnIn Activism, electionsLeave a comment

One of the starkest contrasts between the presidential candidates of 2024 involves their facial demeanors. While Donald Trump puts on a stern, angry façade, Kamala Harris is often seen smiling. Anger versus joy. Which is really a symbol of strength?

In my personal history, when I feel strong, capable, competent and on-top-of-the-world, I have often completed a difficult goal, like mastery of a Liszt piano composition. What a thrill! My heart is buoyed and I smile easily at anyone and everyone. When I have had a bad day and feel overwhelmed, when I lack confidence in my capabilities, when I doubt myself, I am gruff and sullen, giving off a vibe of anger.

Anger reveals doubt and lack of confidence. It often accompanies people who try to make themselves feel bigger, better, and more important by stripping others of their dignity. People who behave like that are called bullies.

In my world, joy spells confidence and strength.

Remember the childhood fable that describes a contest between the north wind and the sun? The two decide to test their strength and see who can remove a solitary traveler’s coat. The north wind goes first and blows ferociously, outdoing itself in its bid to strip a man of his coat. No matter how hard the wind blows, the man draws his coat closer around himself and clutches it tighter. Then the sun takes a turn. It shines warmly on the traveler until the man sheds his coat voluntarily, soaking up the sunshine.

Joy is like that.

Another area that might need closer scrutiny is the nature of true wealth. Some of the world’s richest men in their acquisition of dollars tend to support the angry, bitter candidate, the one who feels powerful because he can make others miserable.  Where it really counts though, the joyful candidate is far wealthier—in kindness, compassion, and generosity that morph into a wealth of public support, small dollar donations, election volunteers, and crowd sizes at rallies.

Which candidate is wealthier in things that really matter? It’s clear to me that joy yields far greater rewards than anger.

The prevalence of disinformation and misinformation assaulting us from every source—from mainstream media to social media—makes it difficult to determine what is factual and what isn’t. Both sides level accusations at each other that echo distrust, fear of ulterior motives, or conspiracies to gain unlimited power over the country and the world.

How do we know what to believe? How can we find the truth?

Henry David Thoreau, long recognized for his stand on civil disobedience, wrote, “What I have to do is to see, at any rate, that I do not lend myself to the wrong which I condemn.” I cannot adopt the bitter, vengeful tactics that I find so repulsive. Do Trump supporters view their neighbors, relatives, and co-workers repulsive just because we seek joy in our lives?

It behooves us all to examine with care what we hear and read in our search for underlying truths. For me, the power of joy and the promise it delivers speak very well for truth.